Ahh Christmas. It's always been one of my favorite times of year. Stressful, yes, but the gradual build up of anxiety and excitement eventually pays off when everyone comes together to laugh and spend time together.
I'm a bit of a Scrooge this year, moreso than I've ever been. I'm not really too sure why, but it just feels like the childlike wonder and amazement that used to come about this time of year has been absent. As much as I tried to find it, it just seems a bit hopeless. Have I given up?
In years prior, I have worked my butt off to decorate festively, host happy holiday gatherings, and bring about general holiday merriment. However, this year just isn't the same. I thought it was because I was unemployed and down about not being able to afford all of the gifts I wanted to give to everyone, but I don't think that's it. I don't think that it's just me, I feel like the world is giving up on Christmas. I even tried to have a warm, happy holiday gathering but nobody seemed to want to join in. I wanted to listen to holiday songs and toast Glugg and kiss under mistletoe, shaking our bellies like bowls full of jelly; but instead wound up drinking Miller Lite out of cans in a cold living room.
This Christmas just feels different. Maybe it's because my nieces haven't been around for the past week and won't get to spend Christmas with us. Or maybe it's because I'm living with my parents and didn't get to take the reigns on the decorations this year. Maybe it's because, for the first time in 25 years, I don't get to spend Christmas with my sister. Or it could be that I know I'll be missing the Schuldt family Christmas which I have been attending for the past 5 years and love so dearly... who knows. Or maybe it's just me. This year has been full of so much change for me, ups and downs, maybe this is just one of them... after all, we must take the bad with the good.
Maybe I've just built Christmas up to be so much in my head that I'm bound to be disappointed. What have I got to be sad about, really? I've got a few amazingly loyal friends who I love with all my heart and I know will always be at my side. I've got the best boyfriend that a girl could ask for, someone who really truly accepts and loves me for exactly who I am. I've got endless memories from my trip to paradise. I've got health, knowledge, skills, and ambition...
What I need to do is stop focusing on the past, stop comparing this holiday with those in years passed. I need to take this one day at a time and treasure each moment for what it is and the memories that are being made right now.
Happy holidays everyone. Be joyful and merry no matter what the circumstances. Focus on what you have: the warmth of your home, the love of your family, the peace you feel in your heart, and the richness in each moment you experience.
Love.
