I had just wrapped up a week of classes exploring the 8 limbs of yoga. We focused on ahimsa, or non-harming, then moved onto santosha (contentment). I spent extra time planning classes that week. My regular students are so kind and so thirsty for knowledge that I felt like I had to come prepared with fresh fun ideas. To be honest, I was diving into material I hadn't studied in 4 years. Here I was reading these words that I'd studied, teaching a class that had been recycled a few times, without really being able to connect to the words that came out of my mouth. I was angry with myself for not having enough time to pour my heart into what I do. When I got home from work, I was angry at myself for not spending enough time with my kids.
Even though I love my job and it brings me so much joy, I'd been working too much. I was losing steam and I knew it. This is what helped fuel the anger. My boyfriend lost his job and we'd finally started the serious discussion about getting married. The only thing that held us back? Money. It's amazing how clever the universe can be.
The pressure kept building and the need to be successful was growing. One day after yet another discussion about marriage, a person I care about a lot was put in a compromising position because of me. Sane Sarah says be calm, breathe, and stay in control -- practice what you preach, right? If only... I blew up and dug myself a hole which will take a while to repair. Once the ground is broken, it can never truly be mended.
I was really angry with myself. Once again I'd let my anger get the best of me. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and worst of all is that I was mean. Really mean to a person that I love so dearly. I felt a heaviness against my chest like I couldn't breathe. Who was this person? What was this anger inside of me?
Change the Internal Dialogue
I was filling this void in my life with unhealthy habits -- junk food, mindless television, alcohol. Basically, I was filling this toxic environment with even more crap to stew on.
I had been holding onto this feeling of inadequacy because I wasn't married. We tend to get fooled into this thinking that everything will be better once we make more money/get a better job/finally share the same last name as your children and the man you love. But it's not like that. It never will be.
I failed to see what was already in front of me. I was searching for this validation through working too hard and exhausting myself, as if trying to prove something to the world -- or maybe just to myself.
The real truth is that the only way to release anger is with love.
If you want to create a loving relationship with the world, you have to love yourself first. Take care of yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. It won't happen overnight and it is not easy, but it is worth it. Of all the people in the universe, you are most deserving of your own love.
Be an observer of your thoughts & feelings.
You are not ruled by your emotions. You can sit there and beat yourself up over mistakes & stew on your anger, or you can acknowledge these thoughts and feelings, allow them to unfold while remaining in your present state of mind. Your emotions should not feel like bondage being put upon you -- the bondage is all in your making.
Make time for peace & quiet.
Be alone with your thoughts often. Address the struggles in your life and really take the time to see how you feel -- mentally and physically. Take time to connect with your breath and clear your mind. Slow everything down.
Let it go.
All the anger, sadness, anxiety, heaviness. It drains your energy. Forgive others, forgive yourself.
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