Turning Inside: When Yoga isn't Asana

My favorite part of every day is when I get an hour of silence as the kids nap and I am able to practice my yoga asana (physical pratice). Don't get me wrong, I love my babies to death and feel like the luckiest mom in the world to have them in my life--but with 2 toddlers, Mom sure loves a break.

I've carried the tension of flat feet and scoliosis for my entire life, so once I discovered the relief that the physical aspect of yoga brought me, I mentally wrote myself a prescription to practice every single day.

Nap time could not have come sooner yesterday. I had been collecting thoughts all morning about what I'd bring to my mat today--things to introduce to my students and things to explore on my own.

12:30 finally came and I laid out my mat. And that was it. I kept looking at my mat, trying to find a place to begin, and it just wasn't happening.

So there I sat, staring at my mat, wanting so badly to practice--wanting to want to practice--but I simply couldn't bring myself to it. I sat there for about 10 minutes until I finally grunted and left the room.

I sank my seat right in the middle of my comfy bed and wrapped myself in blankets. I couldn't help but feel discouraged and a bit angry with myself. Why couldn't I bring myself to practice my asana today?

I decided to sit there in silence, shut my eyes to the world, and review all of the feelings that surged through my body (there just happened to be a lot that particular day).

Breathing deeply, I began asking myself What's wrong? What hurts? What do you need? 

I felt an unusual amount of tension in my shoulders, lower back, feet, and forehead. So I just kept breathing, attempting to send some softness to those areas, but all I kept feeling was pain.

Suddenly, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me and decided to ride the wave instead of fight it... and then I cried. A lot... and then it finally came to me--the clarity I was looking for. Riding this wave of intense feelings instead of sulking my way through the day was exactly what I needed. I came to the realization that I needed and made peace with my sadness.

I felt far from happy afterwards, but those feelings of anger & frustration were gone. The truth that I desperately was searching for was revealed, and instead of displacing those feelings of discouragement and hopelessness, I found peace in my sadness.

Even though we tend to place such a huge emphasis on the physical aspect of yoga (because it just feels good), it is just the tip of the iceberg. Yoga is about turning inwards to find out what is really ailing us. My lower back hurts, and it sure could use a nice supported bridge right now, but why? Maybe we won't always find the answers we're looking for, but finding acceptance with ourselves--body and mind--is the biggest takeaway of my yoga practice today.